Gone, Gone,Gone by Phillip Pillips

So another song Loki has communicated to me with. Things have been super rough lately as far as finances go. It’s been one of those situations where we just can’t seem to get ahead no matter what we do. Last night I was talking to a friend about it telling her how I didn’t feel right about going to Loki with those problems. I’d been chastised in a forum group for treating Loki like a replacement for Jesus, and told I was a delusional Lokean and a fake Pagan because I mentioned times when Loki had helped me. My friend in her wisdom told me to just talk to him if for no other reason than to get my worries off my chest . This morning after dropping the mortal spouse off at work I decided to talk to Loki on the drive back home as I pulled onto the driveway to our house this started playing


Day 17 Say What Now?

Last night on Facebook I ran across one of the most disrespectful comments about a person and their relationship to their deity I’ve ever seen. It went like this names have been redacted.

  • He has done so much for me. Made me so much stronger of a person. I think that he builds up those that need it, regardless of how one presents themselves to the physical world. It’s not like He builds up an ‘army’ of the weak, He brings us up out of LOVE.
    Even those who do not need to be brought up from the shallows will be embraced. I have always seen Him as LOVE.
    12 hours ago via mobile · Like · 1
  •  Sorry but I have to call bullshit here personally. LOVE? REALLY. Are you sure you haven’t just made over Jesus with a Norse accent? Never read a bigger pile of bullshit in my life.
  •  why are you in this community?
  •  I’ve been in this community since it was created thanks. Why are you here?
  •  so then why would you say something like that to someone?
  • and i didn’t ask how long you’ve been here.
  • Why? Because its utter bullshit that’s why. This is ———-   —–  and I think its pretty ridiculous for anyone to associate LOKI with LOVE? I mean there is a certain amount of upg one can stomach but I draw the line at complete and utter bullshit with no basis and REALITY. I personally feel that to to associate Loki with Love is both disrespectful to what he is, an highly ignorant. But perhaps that is exactly what he wants such a person to think, so that he can utterly destroy there illusions in the future so they can start clean. Just my opinion, you don’t have to agree.
    Really what right does anyone have to tell someone else what their UPG should be and how their deity should be presenting His/Herself to them. The person went on to argue once they got called on their crap by moderators that they simply don’t associate Loki with Love as in He isn’t a God of Love. Well of course Loki isn’t a God of Love, but He is capable of the emotion, and does show it to His followers in many varied and meaningful ways. For some of His followers this is the deepest insult someone could throw at Him because He taught them how to love. Not everyone comes from a good stable home. Not everyone gets good examples of what love is and how to give and receive it. Some people have been victims of abuse and walk away with scars you can’t even imagine, and warped views about things like love. Are you saying these people are just damaged goods too fucked up for even the Gods to fix? Our world is full of the walking wounded. People who should have just laid down and died already took that bottle of pills, cut just a little deeper last time. Loki gravitates toward these people, not because He’s doing “charity work” or scraping the bottom of the barrel of humanity for followers. It’s because He understands in a very deep takes one to know one sort of way. Loki has been the outcast, the loser, the criminal, the misfit, the prisoner, the crazy one all that and more. He’s been there and survived. He knows a little secret about these kinds of people the ones that life has put through they wringer, they’re stronger than they think.
    Survivors our society has allot of perceptions of them, but mostly they are the tenacious ones, the persistent ones that keep doing what they’re doing, that keep hanging one when everyone tells them to just give up and go away already. They are the hopeful ones with that spark of something inside that just won’t go out completely no matter what gets thrown at them. Sure they’re messed up, depressed, anxious, socially awkward, defensive, PTSD the just plain fucked up, and whatever other term psychiatry or society might label them with. Thing is when these people get they’re shit together they are an unstoppable force they know how to get shit done. They were doing it before without the proper tools such as an understanding of love and a healthy self-esteem. Once they have that look out, because nothing is going to stop them now! Have you never noticed how the people who have been through Loki’s bootcamp are crazy productive? Imagine for a moment if you will that you are a God who would you look for if you had a mind to build a strong productive community of followers who could get your work done. Would you go after the people who’ve had it easy in life and have never had to struggle just to make it through the  next hour much less the day, or someone who knows struggle and knows how to fight through to the other side of any situation? Would you want followers who would walk away when things got tough, or stick it out with the knowledge that it will get better eventually? Someone used to instant gratification, or someone who knows how to patiently wait? Loki has a plan in all this He knows what He’s doing those He calls are here for a reason even if they may not see it for themselves at the moment.
    Does that make me sound Like I gave Jesus a Norse accent well maybe to some it does, but you know all religions hold things in common. Certain themes and universal truths remain whether you worship Loki, Jesus or the Flying Spaghetti Monster. We reach out to a deity in need and to feel loved and cared for by something bigger than us. We look to learn and be transformed. The deity looks for love and devotion, those that they can work with and through who will be their representatives here on earth. Catholic priest or Wiccan priestess you serve your community of followers. Gythia or preacher you serve your people, Buddhist monk or Catholic one, Catholic nun or Lokean nun their life is dedicated to their deity. Pagan blogger, or door to door evangelist we are both promoting our beliefs. I might not be knocking on your door to do it, but if you happen to disagree with me aren’t I just as annoying? See we all have things in common seeing a commonality in deity relationship does not make someone’s experience with Loki “Giving Jesus a Norse accent.” Loki cares for His followers and He loves them. As one of His wives why would I ever enter into that sort of relationship with Someone so much bigger and more powerful than myself if I wasn’t sure of His love for me? How do I know He loves me He shows it. Loki has done amazing things in my life and things that are tender, sweet and meaningful to me and me alone. That may be just UPG as you say, but it is my UPG, my truth, and how dare anyone presume to know better than I what goes on privately between me and Him. Loki is capable of love He loves deeply and will sometimes spend years putting together circumstances just so He can show one of His just how much He loves them. Loki might put you through some stuff to teach you how to give and receive love, but it’s done out of love not a desire to “utterly destroy there illusions in the future so they can start clean.” Why spend so much effort building someone up just to knock them back down?
    I know there are those who dislike Loki, or outright hate Him who cannot fathom raising the horn to Him much less loving and trusting Him. Before you come at me with you’re whole “Let me verbally abuse the poor misguided Lokean and try and set her straight” bullshit think for a moment. Stop treating me like the idiot who just doesn’t know better, because obviously if I’m in love with Loki I’m not right in the head. Consider why it is that those of us who are Loki’s especially those of us that belong to Him in deeply intimate ways are so quick to fiercely defend Him. Do you think maybe we see something you don’t? Maybe we have experienced a side of Him not represented in the heavily Christianized lore you love thumping so much? Yes dipshit crack open a history book or read a scholarly research paper Snorri was a Christian. He needed a devil figure Loki was made to fit the bill. So if you can turn my Loki into Lucifer why can’t I turn Him into Jesus if I’m so inclined, not that I am mind you, but fair is fair right? Still why not respectfully ask me what it is that has drawn me to Loki and when I tell you please don’t come back with “I did not enter into a relationship with mine for any reason other than because I was drawn to them. It certainly wasn’t for some sort of emotional reward.” Loki came when I needed Him I didn’t go looking for Him for any sort of emotional reward that just happened to be an added perk knowing Him. Loki makes me happy so therefore my experiences with Him are less valid that’s some twisted logic there. The point is Lokeans do see something good and worthwhile in Loki. If asked most of them will tell you He has a huge capacity for love. He’s fixed allot of us and taught us many things, some of His lessons are hard but needed. No He’s not perfect, and He’s no Jesus, but He’s no devil either. He’s Loki, and He can love.

Day 9 Happy Second Anniversary

Two years ago today I said vows to the two most important men in my life Loki and Jake. Loki put all His considerable talents of trickery and misdirection together to help me plan and write the vows for a very Pagan handfasting that didn’t look or sound so alarmingly different as to make any of my Christian family members put up a fuss. The day went of without a hitch only Jake’s step-mom noticed and complained that it wasn’t a Christian ceremony. Everyone else kept on complimenting us on such a beautiful ceremony. 

Two years have flown by and so much has happened in that time. We’ve moved, Emily was born, my oldest daughter hit that lovely age where I’m a senile babbling idiot. There have been births and deaths, tragedies and triumphs all the joys, pains and mundane things that make life so full and interesting. Loki has been there for all of it, and never once caused me to regret the leap of faith it took for me to say yes to marrying Him.

There have been quiet a few moments where I was so glad to have Him around. Like when my best friend here in town was brutally raped and the police department mishandled the investigation, lost evidence, and then engaged in despicable game of victim blaming before dropping the investigation. My friend was freaking suicidal I was been called out at all hours of the day or night to talk her down from doing something desperate. Then one of the detectives shows up at my house, and tries to threaten me into saying my friend is a liar by rather strongly hinting that if I lied for her I could face criminal charges too. I could feel the rage bubbling up inside me, but somehow Loki managed to keep me calm enough to tell the officer that no I would not be cooperating with them, and that I personally found them to be a life form just a little bit lower than pond scum without ending up in handcuffs. 

Loki was my rock while I was trying to be hers. Loki helped me hold it together when she lost both her grandparents this past winter just months apart. I had come to love her granny as much as I had my own. She was a sweet, good-hearted woman with more inner strength and goodness in her pinkie finger than most people have in their entire body. The sudden death of her grandfather, and then the rapid decline of her grandmother was painful to watch. It’s hard to watch someone you care about and consider to be the sister you never had go through so much in so short as span of time. It’s scary to sit there and wonder if this is going to be the straw that breaks the camels back. Add to that how being in the hospital when the doctors give up and say it’s just a matter of time is hard when you’ve been there before and you know exactly what the people around you are going through and that nothing you can do or say is really going to help at all. Loki helped me to force back the tears when I told her it would be okay that time heals all wounds all the while knowing I was lying my ass off, because my grandfather passed in 1991 and my grandmother is 1994. It’s been roughly 20 years give or take since I lost my grandparents, and thinking about losing them can still reduce me to a tearful blubbering mess. Yes we move on and the pain becomes a duller over time, but given the right circumstances it can come back with stunning clarity and sharpness. Loki helped me hold it together for my friend’s sake, and once I was alone He let me completely fall apart and have a good cry. Usually Loki isn’t one for allowing you to dwell on things or engage in a nice pity party, but when you need to grieve Loki understands all too well. 

One things I have tried to do with this blog is show the reality of this whole godspouse situation. I’ve tried to portray it as a real marriage because that is the reality of it. Loki is not Prince Charming. He’s not perfect it isn’t going to be all sunshine and daisies, rainbows and roses and mind-blowing sex. It’s work. It’s sharing your life with someone who is so much bigger and more powerful than you. It’s every bit as complicated as a marriage to another human and then some. It certainly isn’t the be all end all of deity relationships, and certainly not what everyone should feel they need to aspire to. It’s wonderful and overwhelming all at once, exhilarating and humbling, a huge ball of so many contrasting emotions that it’s near impossible to piece them apart to examine exactly how you feel. Crazy as it all can be sometimes I wouldn’t trade this experience for anything though.

So Loki I love you more than ever, and I’m so thankful I have you in my life even when you’re driving me to distraction and turning everything in my life upside down the very last thing I’d ever want is a life without you. Loki you are my friend, my mentor and teacher, my husband, my God and I love you dearly. 

Day 8 The Other Side of You

It’s the one thing I wish more people knew about Loki, He’s not all pranks, chaos and general malice, yes he does have a tendency to force change wherever he goes, but usually that’s because He sees an opportunity for improvement. He’s called a liar, but more often than not He’s the one telling the hard truths. There’s so much more to my Loki though He’s sat with me while I cried and made me laugh so hard I my sides hurt. He’s something of a big kid who loves kids, and has a gentle playful side around them. He’s scary smart and loves to discuss all sorts of topics you can learn allot just from a conversation with Him. He can be very happy just sitting around watching you do boring, mundane things around the house. Loki loves cooking he loves to watch and make little suggestions here and there, by the way he comes up with some very tasty ideas.

Loki has a quiet side sometimes he just wants to sit and enjoy the silence. He cherishes it when someone trusts Him enough to open up their heart and their home to Him. He knows He’s often not welcome due to the reputation for trickery the existing lore gave Him. There are times when he gets quiet and moody, when He’s thinking of old hurts and mistakes. He understands those of us who have our scars and demons and skeletons in the closet. He gets the outcasts, the survivors, the scarred, broken, flawed ones and sees not damaged goods, but beautiful treasures. He knows broken things once mended can be stronger than before.

Loki is lots of things more than I can ever explain, but sometimes I wish those that fear and despise Him could see the Loki I see. It’s been almost two years since I said my vows to Him and never once have I had occasion to regret them. I love Him more today than I did when I said them. No He’s not perfect, no He’s not Prince Charming, but He is everything I never knew I wanted and more, and I love Him like crazy.

July for Loki Day 2 An Example of Why I Love Him

Loki has gotten me out of some bad situations before as I mentioned in my previous post, but He’s also been there for me when I’m going through something difficult. August of 2011 started off all excitement. I had recently married both Loki and Jake and had just the week before the wedding found out I was pregnant with Emily. August rolled around and we drove to Wytheville to pick up Nathan. We stopped at Troy’s Pizza for dinner and were just having a good time being together as a family. We got home kind of late and I ran to the bathroom to pee and to my horror found I was bleeding. I hadn’t had any pain everything had been just perfect up until that moment. I told Jake and we hopped back in the van headed for the hospital. I wasn’t sure what to expect I’d never had anything go wrong with any of my pregnancies with the exception of dangerously high blood pressure with Abby.

I didn’t expect to find myself waiting in the waiting room for half an hour while even the guy with the poison oak got called back first. I didn’t expect to sit back there alone for four hours in a pool of my own blood after the nurse drew some blood and never have anyone even offer me a blanket or any extra maxi pads. I certainly didn’t expect the doctor to get pissy with me about bleeding on their exam table and floor. Jake sure didn’t expect to be told that he couldn’t come back to sit with me until they had checked to make sure my insurance was good. He didn’t expect to have a very rude lady at the reception desk threaten to have security remove him from the building if he didn’t quit asking when he could see me. I didn’t expect a doctor to tell me that because I wasn’t twenty weeks yet there was no point in doing an ultrasound to see if they could still find a heartbeat. I was told on a Friday night that I would just have to wait till Monday morning to see my OB/GYN to find out if I had miscarried or not.

The other thing I didn’t expect was Loki to show up and sit with me, because Jake was still be badgered about payment while they waited to see if my insurance card was any good. Loki was probably all that kept me from having a complete breakdown while I sat there alone wondering what was happening. They didn’t even tell me why Jake hadn’t come back with me only that they didn’t know where he was. Loki calmed me down when I was certain Jake was angry and blaming me. He spent most of that Friday night just reassuring me everything would be okay. Well that and cussing a blue streak at a ER doctor who would later get an earful from my doctor for the way he mishandled things. Actually listening to Loki rant about stupid doctors and crappy hospitals was a welcome distraction at that point.

Loki stuck close that whole weekend that I was stuck in bed wondering if I was still pregnant or not. I of course worried the whole time despite His assurances that everything was okay. Monday morning when I learned that despite the bleeding the baby seemed to be perfectly healthy was when Loki finally left.

Lot’s of my friends worry about a sexual relationship with Loki and that’s a special thing, but having Him be there when the bad things happen. Knowing that despite being a God He actually cares that’s what’s special to me. It’s hard to express just how much his concern over something that didn’t involve Him, or any work I was doing for Him, but meant everything to me at the time meant. I think that was when it finally really hit home with me that He really did love me back. He certainly didn’t have to care but He did. Maybe it comes from the damage done by my Christian upbringing. Maybe it comes from sitting at the bedside’s of both the grandparents that raised me and begging the Christian God to heal them and feeling absolutely nothing. I might as well have been praying to the ceiling tiles. Maybe that’s why I’m still shocked when Loki shows up when the shit is hitting the fan. I’m still wrapping my head around a relationship with a God that is this personal, this up close and in person, this real. It’s something I never expected to have, and something beautiful that I cherish.

I wasn’t quite as surprised months later when Loki showed up at the hospital when Emily was born. He glanced at her as Jake and the doctors took her out of the O.R. while they sewed me back up, but he stayed with me. He joked with me about how despite being a few weeks early Emily was upstairs proving her lungs were well developed while I was still downstairs in the recovery room. He kept teasingly telling me I needed to hurry up and get over the post op shakes before Jake started crying harder than the baby. Later he had a good laugh at my expense while I was higher than a kite on pain meds. It just seemed right that He’d be there making sure I wasn’t alone post op and then once I was on the mend having a good laugh at the comical effect pain killers have on me. It was then that I realized just how much Loki had become a member of the family. Not everybody can see and hear Him, but for those of us who can Loki isn’t just a God to us, not anymore, He’s wormed his way into our lives and found a place in our hearts He’s family now too.